What Are You Passionate About?

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“What are you passionate about?”

Who knew a 5 word question could be so profound.

I stuttered, shocked that I was struggling to answer the question.

The cashier who asked me bagged my groceries, not seeming to see how the question put me on the spot.

He looked at me with a raised eyebrow, waiting for my reply.

I took a deep breath as I felt an inner panic rise within me.

Why couldn’t I just answer the question?

“Uh…I am passionate about a lot of things. Health is a big one.”

“Oh so is that what you do now?”

I paused.

“I am into content creation and writing and photography.”

“That’s not related to health,” he said with a confused look on his face.

I paused.

Yes and no, I wanted to say.

Well I like health and the other things too, I wanted to say.

But I couldn’t bring myself to express this.

He was right and wrong at the same time.

It reminded me that while being a creative is healing, and thus related to health, I still wasn’t fully pursuing my passion of being a health practitioner.

“Well…uh…,” I stuttered.

He bagged the last item before handing me the bag and saying, “I hope you get to do something related to your passion soon.”

I took the bag, stunned.

What the hell? Since when do grocery cashiers ask deep life questions at check out?

Focusing on why the cashier asked me that question misses the point.

The real focus is why I could not answer the question and give a straightforward response.

If anything, the exchange exposed that I was misaligned to a certain degree.

I do believe the arts are healing. Writing, modeling, photography, etc. are all healing activities. Underrated ones at that.

However, the little girl in me always knew that I was born to be a doctor.

The kind who sees patients and administers remedies for their illnesses.

So why wasn’t I doing that?

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I ruled out medical school a while ago, believing that the for-profit medical industry could not truly heal people.

I ruled out naturopathy as it did not address spiritual health to the degree that I wanted.

I ruled out Reiki healing after my terrible experience with malpractice in that field.

So where did that leave me?

I truly did love to write and take photographs and model.

But maybe all these things should be secondary to my calling as a health practitioner.

Or maybe the goal should be to integrate them all into one brand, aka me.

Then there are the other forms of health and healing I’ve tried.

Acupuncture was cool, but it didn’t resonate with me the way Reiki hand healing did.

I really liked the work that my herbalist and holistic nutritionist did. Those were really good experiences.

But while I go to school for those things, what will pay bills in the meantime?

I already tried the work a corporate 9-to-5 and fund the passion on the side thing, but saw that my passion wasn’t given the necessary attention.

Sigh.

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As I grappled with the question, a part of me realized that I had quietly given up on my dream to help people heal.

I really believed hand-healing was my calling, but the terrible experience left me so demoralized.

It left me questioning everything.

I wondered how everything could go so wrong.

What am I passionate about?

Every time I started to think of something, it didn’t feel genuine anymore.

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I used to say I was passionate about health and wellness with unshakeable confidence.

If you asked me what I loved to do, I’d say I loved reading health and self development books, dancing, singing, modeling, styling clothes, writing, creating content, organizing and making agendas, making people laugh, learning, etc.

But now it all seems so foreign to me.

The fire that would light up inside me barely burns now.

It’s in this moment I realized that the sad experiences of this season I’m in broke my heart

It’s hard to keep going when there is so much in the way.

It’s hard to keep going when the road to success has so many road blocks and potholes.

A car driving in such conditions can only go unscathed for so long.

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I want to give up.

But I know I can’t.

In large part because I don’t know how to give up.

I always imagined myself living a beautiful life, not one of so much pain and suffering.

But I guess I can decide that the suffering stops here.

I don’t have time to throw a pity part for myself.

All the time used feeling sorry for myself could go towards building that beautiful life I envisioned.

Maybe it’s time I revisited the things that made me feel passionate.

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Instead of feeling depressed when someone asks me about passion, I can use this as an opportunity to revisit what my current situation.

Maybe the exchange was meant to help me recalculate my steps, not demoralize me.

It’s all about perspective.

I should feel blessed that strangers ask me profound questions.

Maybe even those who don’t know me see something in me that I have forgotten about.

I have some more soul searching to do. Or rather soul strategizing to do.

The next time someone asks me what I’m passionate about, I’ll be ready.